Have You Come to Terms with Your Existence Yet?
Word vomit Wednesday via yours truly
"Have you come to terms with your existence yet?"
That's my barista, Shawn, this morning. The last time I saw him was over a week ago, about three hours before people usually see me at the coffee shop, and I was ferociously contemplating life and having a sort of existential crisis. It followed a night where my phone fell out of my bag and got picked up by someone whom I Google tracked to Aspen before the phone died and I was S.O.L. The existential crisis day preceded my brand new phone getting stolen out of my bag at the park. I have never lost a phone in my life, and I just did it twice in two weeks; I should be good for another decade, right? The last few weeks have been interesting, to say the least. A lot of slowing down and looking for the sychronicities and...lessons, for lack of a better term.
So naturally my answer to Shawn was, "It's a process." (cheesy smile)
I don't know how often you question everything you're doing. Do you ever? Maybe you do it every day. I (usually) do it about once a year. This year, as of the first of January, I've done it pretty much every month. It's not a bad thing; in fact I think it's a very good thing. It can be a little overwhelming though. We tend to judge ourselves more harshly than we do anyone else.
When I went back to the last place I had seen the second phone it was early in the morning at the park and the sprinklers were on. There was no one there save for an older gentleman perched on top of a picnic table under the pavilion. Upon seeing me circle him for the third or fourth time he asked if everything was alright. I shared my story, and he shared something very...fitting. Sitting there with his little cap on, notepad in his lap, he took my hand and told me that when we lose things in our lives, it means we have lost some of our mind. Because our mind is the most important thing to know and hold onto, we innately give it more attention than we do the things in our lives. When we have lost our mind or a part of it, we tend to lose things. And sometimes, if we can see through the veil, life is telling us something based off of what we've lost, and oftentimes it's something we may need to let go of to make sure we don't lose our mind for good.
My interaction with Adam (ah-dahm) that morning shifted my perspective on things. I had been searching for the lessons the previous week, but I came to terms with more about myself in that short conversation than I have in a long time. I walked away from Adam with his words still on my mind and half expected to turn around and see no one there. Poof...little wizard man gone with the wind.
It's funny because I actually feel as though I've lost my mind. Or at least earlier in the year I did. I believe a good friend of mine told me that losing my mind looks good on me. Since then it's been a few existential crisis days sprinkled with some mind-changing and a feeling of "who the fuck am I?"
Anyone feel me? Am I scaring you? I hope so. Exciting and life-changing times don't always come in the form of adventures and travel and new experiences. We can learn a hell of a lot about ourselves in day to day life just by listening to our heart a little louder. Ask yourself the hard questions, and answer honestly. Write that shit down so you can read to yourself what you're actually saying, what you believe. Don't feel guilty if things aren't the way you want; that's the time to start making a change. You've done your best up to this point with the knowledge and skills you had, but if it's time to make a change don't hesitate.
Speaking of change, I'm pretty sure we all know that things always get worse before they get better. If you don't know that then you need to get out more. So when it comes to making big life changes, it's only natural that shit is going to get a little crazy before it gets...better. I'll keep telling myself that and see what happens ;)
My boss yesterday said, "You're dating someone and now you're looking for a place to live that's not on wheels. Who are you?"
"I don't know. I don't know who I am."
And that's cool for now. We go through seasons too. I'm okay with change and a feeling of floating in the ocean without any floaties or snacks for a little while. My weekly Oracle this week told me to get a lot of deep, restorative sleep and I'm going to write my brains out, literally. A bit of meditation and outdoor time and I'm sure I'll feel back to myself soon.
If you also feel like you're floating in the ocean without any floatation devices, I would say just go with it. I'm out there somewhere too. If you want me to get real metaphorical, I'm sure all of the resources we need will manifest themselves at the right times to put together the raft that will get us safely back to shore when we're ready. And I'm also sure that raft will have a margarita bar and tacos and hopefully party hats.
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