Thoughts on Change

It's been awhile since I've contributed a writing of my own...even longer since it was a writing
unrelated to van life. I find a lot of understanding in writing my thoughts down, especially during times of
change, and tis the season eh? We all go through our own form of shit storms, and we each deal with life in our
own ways. In sharing our experiences, I believe we can comfort others in similar situations. We are never alone,
and as much fun as we have here at Rock Meets Soil, our foundations lie in sharing our stories, our truth.
So put your big kid pants on cause the truth is about to get serious real fast. This is something I
a month ago, and I felt moved to share it with you guys today. Let me know what you think.

For those who need it right now...
I hear you. I feel you. I love you.
Just listen to your heart.

It's funny how people come into our lives at particular times to help us through that stage or period of growth. Some are only around for maybe a year or a few weeks or maybe just one encounter that changes and affects us for the rest of our lives. Others come into our lives for years, decades, perhaps multiple lives. We don't decide these things. It's up to us to keep our hearts and our eyes open to the signs of change. It's up to us to always keep flowing, like the river, not grabbing at the bank but letting go with the current and accepting whatever comes.

Telling someone you love that you are not in love with them anymore was one of the most difficult things I've had to do in awhile. Yes, this is about a break up. I prefer to say that we mutually ended things between us. A break up sounds so intense and violent, or destructive. I don't think we broke anything between us, certainly not our friendship and love for each other. But the relationship has set sail. I never quite understood what that meant until I was experiencing it...the whole idea of falling out of love. That's a powerful dilemma, and I think it takes two honest souls to admit that to each other. 

For us, we were lucky to have three years together. There were times when I needed his love and his wisdom so badly, and I am forever grateful for his patience with me. He gave me so much strength through some of the most dark and difficult times of my life. I think we were meant to find each other when we did and to help each other grow and learn. But we grew so much that it changed the dynamic between us. We've become different people than who we were, and as hard as it was for us both to admit, we've grown apart from each other. 

This was difficult to come to terms with when we both still love each other, but it's a different love now and we can't ignore the signs. They had been around for a little while in the form of irritability, small, irrational arguments and tension. Maybe I'd known it for awhile, I don't know. It was one of those thoughts I would push out of my head; I didn't want to think about it. But that's the thing, it's unhealthy to push out and discriminate our thoughts and feelings. They need to be faced and accepted for what they are. 

Do you know what that feels like? To love without being in love? It's beautiful and ugly at the same time. My tears were sad, but they were also happy. We are conscious people who can accept the truth, with no hard feelings. He will always be a very special person in my life, and although I may be losing him in one realm, the memories I have, the love and support we have for each other, the deep-rooted respect between us...I have no doubt those things I will never lose. 

Moving forward I think it's time to rededicate myself, and to my spiritual life. I'm not an expert in astrology or spirituality, but my eyes are open and my heart is open, and I feel and understand big changes happening right now and in the near future. As difficult as it was to accept this change in my life, I feel okay with moving forward and focusing more on myself and being more comfortable alone. I've been single the majority of my life, and I look forward to getting back to flying solo. We can only love someone else to the extent that we truly love and understand ourselves, and I think rededicating my energy inward is exactly what I need right now.


Lessons learned:

Feel everything. Don't suppress any thoughts or feelings. Let them all come to the forefront and be honest. Speak your truth. Cry. Punch a pillow. Write it down. Take a bath. Take a hike. Get out of town for the weekend. Do what you need to do to find peace. Life isn't supposed to be roses and sunshine every day. We need the lows to better appreciate the highs.

Be grateful. Be so grateful for all of the good in your life and in others' lives.

Let go and accept. Accept your feelings. Accept what others have to say. Accept the changes that are always taking place. Know that you're not alone. I don't know what you believe in, but I believe we're all made of stardust and dinosaur shit and the same energy as the sun and the moon. And if that's true, then we're all the same. We're all connected, and we are never alone. 

Hair grows, wind blows, water flows. Nothing stays the same. Onward and upward. I love all of you.